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A wild turkey discusses how you can pre-order a Thanksgiving turkey

In this interview, a wild turkey discusses how you can pre-order a Thanksgiving turkey.


Lincoln: I have to admit, I'm surprised you agreed to this interview. 


Turkey: I'm a wild turkey. 


Lincoln: Right...


Turkey: So I'm naturally very interested in directing your customers to farm-raised turkey. Every Thanksgiving table with a farm turkey is one less table with one of my own. Know what I mean? 


Lincoln: Wow. I see. So where do you want to start? 


Turkey: Let's start with this, and let's make it very clear:  


Sawyer Farm is offering Thanksgiving turkeys this year.


They're not raised at Sawyer -- they're grown at Lilac Hedge Farm, where lots of your other pork products come from. A local farm, small enough to use great practices, big enough to reliably fill meat orders. 


These are pastured birds, fed local (but not organic) grain. You'll be hard-pressed to find a more delicious, ethically-raised bird out there -- for, I might add, such a reasonable price.


These birds are available in limited quantities, though, so folks should be placing their orders NOW, and no later than October 21st .


These turkeys are $6.99/lb., and come in a variety of weight increments. When your customers respond to this email, they're gonna need to specify which weight range they'd like. 


12-15 lbs.

16-20 lbs.

21-24 lbs.

25-38 lbs.

29-32 lbs.


Lincoln: So you're suggesting they just send us an email at


Turkey: That's right. You'll send them an invoice for a deposit, and they'll pay the balance at the pick up. 


And then, here's the best part: the turkeys will be fresh, not frozen. They'll be at Sawyer Farm, ready for pick-up, a couple days before Thanksgiving.


Lincoln: That's great. That seems straightforward. Thanks for arranging this whole thing. 


Turkey: No problem. Like I said, I'm doing it for all the wild turkeys. 


Lincoln: Yeah, so tell us about yourselves. 


Turkey: People generally say, 'Oh they're so beautiful," that kind of thing. Urbanites, suburbanites, you mention turkeys they'll say something stupid, like, "Oh, Turkey Day." Give me a break. We've been here for thousands of years. Thanksgiving is a hoax. Howard Zinn talks about this -- another guy with relatives locally. 


Lincoln: You're very well read for a turkey. I know some people who...


Turkey: I don't read much unless it's turkey-relevant material. But you know, this Thanksgiving stuff, the cat's out of the bag. There's isn't a human alive who doesn't know this unless their head is buried in the sand like a...what's it called? 


Lincoln: An ostrich? 


Turkey: It's a sham. It's a travesty. Not just on the level of turkeys. The whole thing was basically made up by Abe Lincoln. Who, I appreciate the guy, but it was a political move to boost morale. What human could blame him? But it started a whole pile of misery for us wild turkeys. 


Lincoln: How do you mean? 


Turkey: Well you guys have always hunted us, OK? And I don't like it, but it's a dog-eat-dog world. But now you make a NATIONAL holiday and you want to put one of us on every table? It's not sustainable. You don't have to be a game manager to figure that one out. So by the 1930s, our population was down. Way down. 


Silver lining: commercial turkey farming begins. Almost 100 years later -- boom -- we're back. There's 7 million of us. We're moving to the suburbs now, there's so many of us. I got a letter a couple weeks ago from a cousin -- get this -- in Central Park! Guy's funny as hell. Kind of a comedian know...alternative...doesn't know a kernel of corn from a pebble, but a laugh a minute.


So look. Bottom line. Eat your farmed turkey if you want it. But leave us alone. If a couple of you want to go hunting, fine. If the whole country comes into the woods looking for us in November, we're all gonna have problems. 


Lincoln: Speaking of problems, we had some issues that came up between us earlier in October, right before corn harvest. 


Turkey: Corn harvest was a shame. 


Lincoln: It was. I'd say you all ate 10 percent of the crop. 


Turkey: You think that's it? That's not good. I love corn. Wish it was still up there, standing tall and proud, laden with delicious golden kernels. 


Lincoln: Yeah, I would have liked to leave it to dry down in the field a few weeks longer. 


Turkey: Wish you had. Look, do you leave dishes of candy around your house at kid height? 


Lincoln: No. 


Turkey: So what do you expect? And the funniest part is, (laughing) every year you come out there a few times...(laughing hard, flapping wings), sorry, hang on...waving your arms....(crying with laughter)...with that worthless dog....couldn't probably catch a toad...we're like walking away from him...and then he gets close...and then we fly...away...his dumb tongue...and he's like, "What happened?" (trying to catch his breath) I'm's just so funny.... And you! Crack me up. Even slower! If that's possible! Waving your arms like, you're doing a turkey impression! Why you do that, I'll never know, but it's hilarious!